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Welcome to the Australian Ford Forums forum. You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and inserts advertising. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members, respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features without post based advertising banners. Registration is simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today! If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us. Please Note: All new registrations go through a manual approval queue to keep spammers out. This is checked twice each day so there will be a delay before your registration is activated. |
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| The Bar For non Automotive Related Chat |
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30-03-2008, 10:22 PM
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Built Ford Tough
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: State of Euphoria Mod: F-Series
Posts: 3,035
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The REAL meaning of the repair manual instructions
Repair manual: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you? Repair manual: Should remove easily. Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Repair manual: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Repair manual: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Repair manual: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Repair manual: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Repair manual: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size). Repair manual: Ease ... Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ... Repair manual: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Repair manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards. Repair manual: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Repair manual: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Repair manual: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Repair manual: One spanner rating (simple). Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Repair manual: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Repair manual: Three spanner rating (intermediate). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Repair manual: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Repair manual: Five spanner rating (expert). Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company. Repair manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Repair manual: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath. Repair manual: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Repair manual: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Repair manual: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Repair manual: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Repair manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Repair manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Repair manual: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Repair manual: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have RACV membership & mobile phone Repair manual: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw. Repair manual: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer. Repair manual: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! Repair manual: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain. Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer. Repair manual: Replace old gasket with a new one. Translation: I know I've got a tube of super glue around here somewhere... Repair manual: Grease well before refitting. Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Repco to buy some Castrol grease. Repair manual: See illustration for details Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
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Black on white '83 SWB F100 C6 auto 351C on gas and on the ground --> Project Thread '55 F100, just a roller at the moment, new project Silver MY12 Volkswagen Amarok |
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30-03-2008, 10:24 PM
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GT-P #0336
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 2,360
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Hahaha that's great!
 :
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 2003 FULLY OPTIONED MERCURY SILVER BA GT-P BUILD #336  REVERSE CAMERA - SAT NAV - PIONEER SUB & AMP - SUNROOF - DVD PLAYER - CUSTOM DUAL EXHAUST ~Tuned By Bluepower Racing~ |
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30-03-2008, 10:31 PM
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What's green is gold
![[Tonko]'s Avatar](image.php?s=7fde610b19208af10945547638b4c6bd&u=14157&dateline=1232530551)
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Shepparton
Posts: 3,079
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An oldie but a goodie!
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EF XR8 - Koni's - Cam and Headwork -3.9s - Ex VIC TMU - 1982 Nissan Patrol - 460 ci Big Block soon - Semi Gloss Black - Dark Tint - 4x 6" Infinity Kappa Perfect Splits - 5" Kappa 2 ways - Kappa 6x9's - 2x12" Kappa perfect subs - 2x4 Channel and 2x Mono Kappa amps- |
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30-03-2008, 10:37 PM
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White Car Driver
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 1,174
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Quote:
 Solastic can do anything...
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OzECruisers - The Ford EA-EL, NA-NL, DA-DL & XG-XH Owners Club |
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31-03-2008, 12:02 AM
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IWCMOGTVM Club Supporter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Northern Suburbs Melbourne
Posts: 17,799
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Got a great laugh out of that.
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31-03-2008, 01:15 AM
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FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,167
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Bwahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha
Its been a while since I laid hands on tools (20yrs) and then recently I had to take a motor apart. The very first nut I tried to undo I rounded the head and shortly after I skinned my knuckles. All those memories came flooding back on that first nut. Every one of them, the special tool, FORD PART No 1837665869847367727272764789607798579203/N the cruddy photos, the index, the retaining spring, no surprise I threw that motor out today.
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igodabigblackshinycar and I relented and allowed a BMW into the garage. 
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31-03-2008, 04:31 PM
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SZII in Silhouette
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Darwin NT
Posts: 600
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Taken from a Jaguar E-Type repair manual - gearbox section......
"........lifting the rear of the cluster, you can remove the entire gear cluster from the gear case....." Which i did - thus dropping an abundance of tiny needle rollers into the gearbox. Then I turned to the next page........to find more instructions........ "But first, instal a hose clamp snugly against the final gear in order to avoid disturbing the needle rollers................"  :
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. . Strangers have the best candy....... |
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31-03-2008, 04:56 PM
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Formerly XG-Panelvanman
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Im in Cranbourne,VIC.
Posts: 476
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thats one of the best reads ive had in ages
i can relate to understanding manuals lol cheers brendan
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My Ride: BA MK2 Wagon, dedicated LPG, white. modifications: cargo barriers, tow bar |
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31-03-2008, 05:35 PM
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V8 Powaah
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sunshine Coast, QLD
Posts: 1,994
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Classic,
Just like those Hayne manuals; everything is described to be about a billion times easier or simpler than reality and they use weird pommie terms like 'pinking' and use photos taken with a camera smeared with coal. My Hillman workshop manual is almost as bad, everything is use special chrysler tool no. xxxxxx which didnt even exist when it was new, or gives you a long winded adventure equivilant to Lord of the Rings to fabricate your own 'tool'
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FG G6E Turbo- Seduce & Cashmere - Sold XF S pack Sedan- AU 302 Windsor, T5, 2.77 LSD, Many Mods
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31-03-2008, 08:03 PM
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'04 BA XT
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 2,481
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haha nice, that's fantastic. It seems to make anything happen you need to beat it with a hammer. I'll try that next time
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1979 F350 Tow Truck 80 series Turbo Diesel Cruiser |
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31-03-2008, 08:18 PM
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Cane Farmer
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tom Price, WA
Posts: 4,056
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Repair manual: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath. So true....Hahahahaha
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1994 ED XR6T - Cobalt Blue. 2009 FG XR6 - Black. Quote:
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31-03-2008, 10:46 PM
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Regular Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 153
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In my mercedes's booklet it has something along the lines of "Mercedes-Benz would like to congratulate you on your purchase and wishes you many hours of happy motoring"
many hours?? i want YEARS!! |
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31-03-2008, 11:06 PM
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GT-P #0336
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 2,360
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Quote:
__________________
2003 FULLY OPTIONED MERCURY SILVER BA GT-P BUILD #336 REVERSE CAMERA - SAT NAV - PIONEER SUB & AMP - SUNROOF - DVD PLAYER - CUSTOM DUAL EXHAUST ~Tuned By Bluepower Racing~ |
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31-03-2008, 11:08 PM
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Regular Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Melbourne, VIC
Posts: 150
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Repair manual: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer. ... done THAT a few too many times to the EB! 
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31-03-2008, 11:41 PM
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Regular Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 149
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Quote:
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31-03-2008, 11:49 PM
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Stroking it...
Join Date: May 2005
Location: The 'butt
Posts: 2,844
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that is awesome, absolute classic!
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01-04-2008, 04:02 PM
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Six One Eight
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Adelaide, Northern Suburbs
Posts: 155
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Quote:
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ED GLI For Sale: Year Old Gas System http://fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?p=2644272#post2644272 |
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01-04-2008, 05:48 PM
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FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Adelaide SA
Posts: 1,255
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LOL glad to hear its not just me going through all the headaches of DIY home mechanics jobs
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01-04-2008, 08:10 PM
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Regular Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 153
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Quote:
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01-04-2008, 08:26 PM
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Laser Driver?
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Tecoma, Vic
Posts: 384
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Absolute crack up. I used to work on my Yamaha bike from a manual that was translated to english from japanese.
Terms like "reverse clockwise" and "backwards to end of beginning" and such used to really make things fun. Josh.
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The "Thrash Box"
'87 Laser TX3 |
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02-04-2008, 12:33 AM
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What's green is gold
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Shepparton
Posts: 3,079
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Having a look through the Gregorys today for the XD and thought of this thread...
"To remove heater, first remove glovebox by....(turn page) jack the car up, secure with stands under the sills, and remove wheel... Damn manual is missing 20 odd pages! $50 well spent!
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EF XR8 - Koni's - Cam and Headwork -3.9s - Ex VIC TMU - 1982 Nissan Patrol - 460 ci Big Block soon - Semi Gloss Black - Dark Tint - 4x 6" Infinity Kappa Perfect Splits - 5" Kappa 2 ways - Kappa 6x9's - 2x12" Kappa perfect subs - 2x4 Channel and 2x Mono Kappa amps- |
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02-04-2008, 12:43 AM
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Back to Le Frenchy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back home.....
Posts: 13,346
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Gold, the exact reason that I do not own any repair manuals. Finding out for myself seems to make more sense somehow.
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Quote:
07 Renault Sport Megane F1 Team R26 #1397
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02-04-2008, 08:58 PM
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FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 2,343
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God thats fuuny,
Have you ever noticed no matter what your doing, Eg, Changing your diff centre. Your gregorys manual will ALWAYS tell you to dis connect your battery and drain the cooling system?
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02-04-2008, 11:06 PM
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Six One Eight
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Adelaide, Northern Suburbs
Posts: 155
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Quote:
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ED GLI For Sale: Year Old Gas System http://fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?p=2644272#post2644272 |
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03-04-2008, 11:27 PM
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Blue ~oval~ Blooded!!!
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Wondai QLD
Posts: 775
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or how they always start with- " park the vehicle on solid level ground, apply park brake. check you have all the necessary tools laid out before you."
as if- most times it's in the dusty dirt driveway, with half the tools ya need, and a couple of mates who've "done this heaps of times"- but really have bugger all idea. manuals would be far more informative if they included some new swear words, instuctions on how to find the dropped screws, springs and bits, and a set of rules for working out just which one of ya mates is due to fetch the next round from the fridge.
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Give me fuel, give me fire! 50th Anniv G6E Turbo in Sensation Cobalt blue 94 ED XR8 Sprint- resto/ project
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Repair manual humour
Linear Mode
