Marriage - Bliss or Prison?

[Ratmick]

Originally Posted by PG2

There is a couple of us willing to help you with that...

Originally Posted by GasoLane

Heathcote next year would be ok.

Many thanks for your offer but this one needs to play itself out...

...no matter the amount of irritation she causes me in the meantime

She's still her mother's daughter, and the youngest of six.

Glen has come through successive bad relationships and the last one left her with almost nothing but her kids and a small amount of dignity. The apron strings are still tied pretty tightly to Chloe and I can't let go for her, it has to come in its own time.

It's ok, I can wait...

[MercuryT]

Good question Franco.

Bit hard to answer when you holiday in Sydney in top quality accom for a week, and not a bad word is mentioned, then get a file for divorce and refused access to your child a week later as with someone else the entire time.

Maybe I should have worked harder and been "open to communication" to be given that opportunity to answer your question as has been suggested (apparently) despite the other party being incredibly sneaky and blatantly lying.

[buggerlugs]

So the question has to be asked, is Marriage important in this day and age ?

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by buggerlugs

So the question has to be asked, is Marriage important in this day and age ?

I'm going to say no but I don't exactly have the best role models

To me its an old religious concept and with defacto rules partners are pretty much entitled to the same stuff as married couples anyway.

[MercuryT]

Marrying based on sex is a very bad idea imo.

However I was still screwed over with basically no sex anyway, so now I'm thinking it might actually be the way to go! ha

Originally Posted by MercuryT

However I was still screwed over with basically no sex anyway, so now I'm thinking it might actually be the way to go to - at least have something positive to remember from the marriage when partner caught cheating etc! ha

Lack of sex in a relationship isn't a problem.
Lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom of a different problem.

Very generally speaking, most women lose interest in sex when there's a problem in the relationship (from her perspective). It could be something small like disagreements about housework, mental load, not spending enough time together, yadda yadda. Men seem to ignore those issues and still want sex but I can almost guarantee you that she's going to lose interest. She'll probably then start trying to communicate to get the issues sorted and the sex drive will return... or it won't... and we all know where that ends up.

[MercuryT]

Originally Posted by leesa

Lack of sex in a relationship isn't a problem.
Lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom of a different problem.

Very generally speaking, most women lose interest in sex when there's a problem in the relationship (from her perspective). It could be something small like disagreements about housework, mental load, not spending enough time together, yadda yadda. Men seem to ignore those issues and still want sex but I can almost guarantee you that she's going to lose interest. She'll probably then start trying to communicate to get the issues sorted and the sex drive will return... or it won't... and we all know where that ends up.

Thanks Oprah.

Originally Posted by MercuryT

Thanks Oprah.

It's true!

Think of a relationship with a chick as being like an engine.. it needs some tlc, you can't neglect it and expect it to make it to 200'000km, flooring it down the highway every night, and just one bad spark plug can be enough to cause it to run rough.

It's probably not going to be one major mishap that ultimately ruins it, it's more likely to be the not doing regular oil and filter changes so little bits of **** get in and gradually destroy the engine over time, from within. Little by little until one day it just doesn't run anymore.

regular maintenance... keep your chick well oiled... so to speak.. on both counts.. cough.

[PG2]

Originally Posted by MercuryT

Thanks Oprah.

Gentlemen, leesa is giving you (and me for that matter) an insight into a women's thinking and feelings. Isn't this something that we all say that women never tell us? What women want.

I say take advantage of it and stop acting like children.

Zilo, could you explain further how sex with a good looking gal is implied in a marriage?

[Beastie]

Maybe, just maybe, a relationship / marriage doesn't need to revolve around just sex...

[MercuryT]

Originally Posted by PG2

Gentlemen, leesa is giving you (and me for that matter) an insight into a women's thinking and feelings. Isn't this something that we all say that women never tell us? What women want.

I say take advantage of it and stop acting like children.

Zilo, could you explain further how sex with a good looking gal is implied in a marriage?

Have you not read the borderline offensive comments made PG2?

Men work harder? Should learn to communicate better? Etc. Who said we didn't in our relationships?

I don't disagree in principal and I'm all for both sides, but I don't see anyone else lecturing women on how to behave or improve to make a relationship work.

[CoupeKing]

Your kids have a better chance at life if you're married. Family values should be our prime directive, but it ain't.

Broken families/single mums starving for a father figure..usually doesn't end well.

[Ratmick]

Originally Posted by CoupeKing

Your kids have a better chance at life if you're married. Family values should be our prime directive, but it ain't.

Broken families/single mums starving for a father figure..usually doesn't end well.

I don't actually agree with this one, apologies

Kids have a better chance at life with at least one loving parent and two are a bonus. Financially it is certainly easier with two parents. Furthermore it doesn't matter what sex the parents are and the marriage status of the parent is irrelevant.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by Ratmick

Financially it is certainly easier with two parents. Furthermore it doesn't matter what sex the parents are and the marriage status of the parent is irrelevant.

Nope.. strongly disagree..

I voted a very loud NO in the homosexual marriage postal vote.

(and proud of it)

[Ratmick]

Originally Posted by zilo

Nope.. strongly disagree..

I voted a very loud NO in the homosexual marriage postal vote.

(and proud of it)

Good for you.

That's how democracies work and you obviously do not know any same sex couples with kids.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by Ratmick

Good for you.

That's how democracies work and you obviously do not know any same sex couples with kids.

You're right and I don't want to.

Lived in a gay share house for 12 months when at uni and know all about it....(without any hands on)...heard all the arguments over and over.

Don't want any social interaction with dysfunctional 3 parent families.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by CoupeKing

Your kids have a better chance at life if you're married. Family values should be our prime directive, but it ain't.

Broken families/single mums starving for a father figure..usually doesn't end well.

Absolutely in agreement....especially the lack of male role model.

The kids from broken families, and that's what they are...broken...usually perpetuate the cycle...generation to generation.

If your parents are duds chances are your marriage will be a dud, that is a statistical fact....its in your DNA.

Yet the parents (and the off spring who don't know any better) are very vocal about how it doesn't matter and that the kid is better off with the parents going their separate ways, what a load of rubbish..

Most marriage breakups arent due to violence..so that is a mute argument....its due to low performing adults who should never have been given a license to breed.

Oh wait...you don't need one...maybe we need to fix that?


Not that I give a rats what losers do anymore....as long as their delinquent kids don't steal my car, give my kids drugs, etc etc

[Polyal]

Originally Posted by zilo

Absolutely in agreement....especially the lack of male role model.

The kids from broken families, and that's what they are...broken...usually perpetuate the cycle...generation to generation.

If your parents are duds chances are your marriage will be a dud, that is a statistical fact....its in your DNA.

Yet the parents (and the off spring who don't know any better) are very vocal about how it doesn't matter and that the kid is better off with the parents going their separate ways, what a load of rubbish..

Most marriage breakups arent due to violence..so that is a mute argument....its due to low performing adults who should never have been given a license to breed.

Oh wait...you don't need one...maybe we need to fix that?


Not that I give a rats what losers do anymore....as long as their delinquent kids don't steal my car, give my kids drugs, etc etc

There is alot wrong and right about that post, hard to pick one point but....

What you are explaining for the most part is environmental influences, being a ****ty parent (but who's definition?) is not part of your DNA.

Is it hard to break that cycle, bloody oath, but not impossible and the individual needs some resolve and grit but many display it.

The divorce rate is a sad state of affairs, my parents split when I was 17 and I only picked up on a few things that were going on (I dont need to know the detail) but in the end while financially it didnt help the family it was the right thing to do.

In saying that, all avenues should be pursued to avoid it, its not nice, but you cant say single parents cant do "a good job" either. Spouses can die etc and you can have positive influences from friends, grandparents etc

Unfortunately there are a lot of factors in the modern world that have impacted the family unit, not for the better, but there are cases were things have improved greatly.

If anyone thinks there is a text book for this and it should all go to plan then I say you have lived a fortunate life, or one that has been very sheltered. Some times things just dont go to plan.

[ford71V8]

Originally Posted by Polyal

Unfortunately there are a lot of factors in the modern world that have impacted the family unit, not for the better

Facebook, online video games.


There is a clear line pre- and post- these things.
IMO Life was far better without them.
I was going to include all forms of social media but I see benefits there, benefits I do not see with FB and Fortnite.

[Polyal]

Originally Posted by ford71V8

Facebook, online video games.


There is a clear line pre- and post- these things.
IMO Life was far better without them.
I was going to include all forms of social media but I see benefits there, benefits I do not see with FB and Fortnite.

Like everything it can be managed, but its hard as all parents have different rules and next thing you know your the worst parent on earth if they dont get to play for the week. Just have to be strong.

I dont see the difference in playing a video game to watching TV as long as they game is age appropriate.

[superyob]

Marriage??? Awesome. The bedrock that built society and brought children security. It will survive the current attacks on it and will outlast its perverted inversion by a long mile...

[Work Horse]

Originally Posted by superyob

Marriage??? Awesome. The bedrock that built society and brought children security. It will survive the current attacks on it and will outlast its perverted inversion by a long mile...

Originally Posted by CoupeKing

Your kids have a better chance at life if you're married. Family values should be our prime directive, but it ain't.

Broken families/single mums starving for a father figure..usually doesn't end well.

The 1950's called they want their opinions back

[CoupeKing]

Originally Posted by Work Horse

The 1950's called they want their opinions back

I'm not interested in opinions.

1950'S?

Go back ten years and that's the reason why we can post in English

[Charliewool]

Lots of valid opinions here, and some still very raw emotion and hurt from some recently affected!
I think one important thing to consider is NOT so much the vengeance and ultimate family court experience, but how a marriage to someone you obviously once loved actually got to this stage?
Once the initial (and, sometimes long drawn out pain) subsides, I found it was valuable to take a really deep unbiased look inside myself to consider MY input into the “failure”!
As Lessa pointed out... a woman can get to the stage (without us men actually realising) where she has thrown the towel in and basically given up on the marriage!
This usually comes well after the “nagging”, the complaining, and the repeated requests for the man to alter his damaging behaviour has ceased!
To the man, he’s casually taken these “cries for help” as meaningless in the big picture!
“It’s that time of the month” or “she’s battling the dreaded menopause”!
Her response, once it’s got to this stage, can be to seek “comfort” from elsewhere, it can be an extra burdening of the household and child duties onto the man.....
Ultimately, it is irrevocably broken and well beyond over in her eyes!
When the divorce request comes, it hits the man like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere!
He, in his hard-working, “bringing home the bacon” frame of mind, simply cannot fathom where this has all come from?
However, in my case, it had been staring me in the face for years, and I was totally oblivious to it!
So, after 27 years, it rocked the bejesus outta me, and totally shattered me!
End result was financially quite a huge kick in the guts as well!
Over time, (a long time!) the resentment turned into almost a quiet reverence toward my ex for having the intestinal fortitude to end the unhappiness!
My now view is she bloody deserved every single cent she received for tolerating my sh it for all those years!
Funnily enough, even though I’ve been remarried for 10years, my ex and I probably get along better nowadays than the last 10 years of our then marriage!!
For those still going through the hell and pain... Take it from me.. It DOES get better!

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by Charliewool

Lots of valid opinions here, and some still very raw emotion and hurt from some recently affected!
I think one important thing to consider is NOT so much the vengeance and ultimate family court experience, but how a marriage to someone you obviously once loved actually got to this stage?
Once the initial (and, sometimes long drawn out pain) subsides, I found it was valuable to take a really deep unbiased look inside myself to consider MY input into the “failure”!
As Lessa pointed out... a woman can get to the stage (without us men actually realising) where she has thrown the towel in and basically given up on the marriage!
This usually comes well after the “nagging”, the complaining, and the repeated requests for the man to alter his damaging behaviour has ceased!
To the man, he’s casually taken these “cries for help” as meaningless in the big picture!
“It’s that time of the month” or “she’s battling the dreaded menopause”!
Her response, once it’s got to this stage, can be to seek “comfort” from elsewhere, it can be an extra burdening of the household and child duties onto the man.....
Ultimately, it is irrevocably broken and well beyond over in her eyes!
When the divorce request comes, it hits the man like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere!
He, in his hard-working, “bringing home the bacon” frame of mind, simply cannot fathom where this has all come from?
However, in my case, it had been staring me in the face for years, and I was totally oblivious to it!
So, after 27 years, it rocked the bejesus outta me, and totally shattered me!
End result was financially quite a huge kick in the guts as well!
Over time, (a long time!) the resentment turned into almost a quiet reverence toward my ex for having the intestinal fortitude to end the unhappiness!
My now view is she bloody deserved every single cent she received for tolerating my sh it for all those years!
Funnily enough, even though I’ve been remarried for 10years, my ex and I probably get along better nowadays than the last 10 years of our then marriage!!
For those still going through the hell and pain... Take it from me.. It DOES get better!

From your experience where do you think you went wrong and it came undone?

[Charliewool]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

From your experience where do you think you went wrong and it came undone?

An obsession called... WORK!
I devoted way WAY too much time to starting up and running a business.
Thinking back, this “obsession” was probably at it’s peak during the early years of my kids growing up!
There’s no doubt my ex virtually raised our 2 almost as a single parent...
Any devotion to family time was almost nonexistent on my part.
I also lost my Dad in 1999, when my kids were little. This had a pretty profound effect on me, thinking back.
I retreated into myself for a long time, with communication between us probably at a minimum! No idea why I couldn’t open up to her?
I also took on a few overseas projects that sometimes resulted in me being away months at a time.
Great “earners”, and upgraded the family home, and bought us both new vehicles.
Unfortunately material things do NOT make the relationship!
I think I treated our marriage more like a business partnership, with me bringing in the bucks and expecting her to raise the kids, look after the household etc?
The breakdown WAS a great learning curve for me though?
I think I’m a better person for it... I’m a lot more tolerant, I am a hell of a lot more aware of my partners feelings... And I learnt that ALL else is secondary to immediate family (especially work!)

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by Charliewool

An obsession called... WORK!
I devoted way WAY too much time to starting up and running a business.
Thinking back, this “obsession” was probably at it’s peak during the early years of my kids growing up!
There’s no doubt my ex virtually raised our 2 almost as a single parent...
Any devotion to family time was almost nonexistent on my part.
I also lost my Dad in 1999, when my kids were little. This had a pretty profound effect on me, thinking back.
I retreated into myself for a long time, with communication between us probably at a minimum! No idea why I couldn’t open up to her?
I also took on a few overseas projects that sometimes resulted in me being away months at a time.
Great “earners”, and upgraded the family home, and bought us both new vehicles.
Unfortunately material things do NOT make the relationship!
I think I treated our marriage more like a business partnership, with me bringing in the bucks and expecting her to raise the kids, look after the household etc?
The breakdown WAS a great learning curve for me though?
I think I’m a better person for it... I’m a lot more tolerant, I am a hell of a lot more aware of my partners feelings... And I learnt that ALL else is secondary to immediate family (especially work!)

Yeah, my old business claimed my business partners long term relationship, he ended up spending more time with me than her.

Interesting conundrum, would you rather have nice things and no time to enjoy them or long for nice things but have spare time to spend with family/friends.

I feel work/life balance isn't something people place enough weight on - until it goes south and the work/life balance stick gets broken over your head.

[Polyal]

Originally Posted by Charliewool

An obsession called... WORK!
I devoted way WAY too much time to starting up and running a business.
Thinking back, this “obsession” was probably at it’s peak during the early years of my kids growing up!
There’s no doubt my ex virtually raised our 2 almost as a single parent...
Any devotion to family time was almost nonexistent on my part.
I also lost my Dad in 1999, when my kids were little. This had a pretty profound effect on me, thinking back.
I retreated into myself for a long time, with communication between us probably at a minimum! No idea why I couldn’t open up to her?
I also took on a few overseas projects that sometimes resulted in me being away months at a time.
Great “earners”, and upgraded the family home, and bought us both new vehicles.
Unfortunately material things do NOT make the relationship!
I think I treated our marriage more like a business partnership, with me bringing in the bucks and expecting her to raise the kids, look after the household etc?
The breakdown WAS a great learning curve for me though?
I think I’m a better person for it... I’m a lot more tolerant, I am a hell of a lot more aware of my partners feelings... And I learnt that ALL else is secondary to immediate family (especially work!)

Yeap, the modern catch 22.

I have recently taken a small side ways step to allow my wife to concentrate on her work. Im still away from home 12 hours of the day, dont see the kids in the morning but atleast I am home every night.

4 years prior I worked DIDO, away Monday-Friday and missed alot. Its been an adjustment coming home for everyone but I feel that if I didnt do it now it would be too late. No point having kids if you dont see them.

Its a choice you have to make, kids when they are young need bulk $$ so as a parent you chase the best buck you can get. Our society is so gear for materialistic assets, housing is not cheap, childcare is rooted (finally out of that after putting 4 kids through it) and the list goes on.

But we as society have created this monster, I honestly think we need to start pulling back but you need EVERYONE to do the same.

There is a small movement for a 4 day working week, I think that would make a small difference. Or..depending on your role, working some hours that suit the school times better.

The failing of our extended families also puts strain on raising kids, only in the last 2 years I have had one grandparent around which has allowed us to make 2 careers work. Otherwise no chance, it would be before & after school care etc.

I dont have the answers, but we have gone way to hard on working like slaves just to house and educate the kids. Two massively important factors in building a better society...but it aint easy.

[Franco Cozzo]

Video games aren't that bad for society

Keeps little ****s off the streets being pests and graffiti down to a minimum.

[Polyal]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

Video games aren't that bad for society

Keeps little ****s off the streets being pests and graffiti down to a minimum.

Agreed, but, we do blame kids these days for being cottonwooled...so kids being outside or on the street actually gives them skills.

Whether they use their powers for good or evil is another thing, Im sure we all got up to mischief and learnt lessons from it...what happens with kids now? They get run over at a zebra crossing because they are on their phone.

Anyway, I am happily married even though you have your ups and downs. Been so for 12 years (crap, literally just remembered its our anniversary next month!). My eldest is also 12 this year, one day the penny will drop that those two events coincide..