friday funnies

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 10:29 PM

post ur friday nite jokes here

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ***

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 10:35 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note! : This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer:

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
(a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Philbie · 21-01-2005, 10:37 PM

funny would be watching the above husband being beaten to a pulp after that comment....HAHAHAHA

Stevo · 21-01-2005, 10:38 PM

stop screwing with my head

klawsterfobik · 21-01-2005, 10:38 PM

So there is this ghost convention every year for people that are ghost fanatics. 100 people show up at the convention, and they are all told to sit down because the convention was starting. The head of the ghost convention stands at the podium and asks the audience, "How many of you have ever seen a ghost?" And everyone in the audience raises their hands.

Then he asks, "How many of you have ever talked to a ghost? And half the crowd raises their hands. And then the leader asks, "how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" And one guys raises his hand. The leader says "You've had sex with a ghost!?" And the guys says, "A ghost? ooh, i thought you said Goat"

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 10:38 PM

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Dodge · 21-01-2005, 10:43 PM

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES

FordFan86 · 21-01-2005, 11:05 PM

lol i almost choked on popcorn :(

klawsterfobik · 21-01-2005, 11:12 PM

LOL.. blonde jokes are great!

A blonde polce officer pulls over another blonde for speeding. This conversation follows

Police Officer: Can i see your licence please
Driver: Umm ok, *rummages in bag*. I cant seem to find it, whats it look like?
Police Officer: Its a small rectangle shaped thing.. and well it has your picture on it
Driver: Ok, *looks through her bag again*, oh here i found it
*passes the PO a mirror*
Police Officer: Sorry, i didnt realize you were a Police Officer, you should have said something

Bossxr8 · 21-01-2005, 11:30 PM

In spite of recent disasters this one is pretty harsh so don't be offended.

Santa couldn't be bothered visiting the naughty kids in Indonesia, so he gave them a wave instead.

The Billabong Classic in Indonesia was won under controversial circumstances this year, it seems the winner was riding a cupboard.

FordFan86 · 21-01-2005, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bossxr8

Santa couldn't be bothered visiting the naughty kids in Indonesia, so he gave them a wave instead.

i was going to tell a similar one but i thought best of it
lmfao
bloody hilarious it is tho

RSgerry · 22-01-2005, 12:37 AM

and on that note...

business is improving in the bars in thailand. the regulars are starting to drift back in....

i'll get me coat.

FordFan86 · 22-01-2005, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RSgerry

and on that note...

business is improving in the bars in thailand. the regulars are starting to drift back in....

i'll get me coat.

LMFAO!!!!

:

champsky · 22-01-2005, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them, immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer:

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person? YOU are the last person.

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note! : This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer:

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
(a, e, i, o, u)?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course, not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

umm i hate to ruin a good joke but if you overtake the last person wouldnt you be first???? since the only person that can lap the last person first would be the first person???? cause how can the last person overtake himself???

hehehe got ya thinking aye :P but the rest was heaps funny aye

Kapn_Kiwi · 22-01-2005, 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by champsky

umm i hate to ruin a good joke but if you overtake the last person wouldnt you be first???? since the only person that can lap the last person first would be the first person???? cause how can the last person overtake himself???

hehehe got ya thinking aye :P but the rest was heaps funny aye

Overtaking is moving past someone once you have drawn even, or level with, however if you were lapping them, you wouldn't be level or even.

champsky · 22-01-2005, 02:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skinny_Puppy

Overtaking is moving past someone once you have drawn even, or level with, however if you were lapping them, you wouldn't be level or even.

but isnt lapping and overtaking basically the same thing

lapping is passing smoeone yeah??
overtaking someone is passing them yeah???

so technically it would be corredct to say that you would be 1st because you were passing the last person since you have gone far enough to catch up behind him and pass him which would mean you overtook someone who was last.

mick.wheelz · 22-01-2005, 03:04 AM

lol some of those are great.

Dodge · 11-02-2005, 09:46 PM

post ur joke here on fridays

Shameless Girl... An Irishman's daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father berated her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you, Daddy, the brand new ford GT Boss limited edition that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club ... (takes a breath) ... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" the Dad interrupted. The girl, crying again said, "a prostitute, Dad!" "Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

deesun · 11-02-2005, 10:46 PM

LuvinmyEB · 12-02-2005, 12:17 AM

LMAO!!
Thanks I needed a laugh tonight!

:

Dodge · 19-02-2005, 06:03 PM

A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Old Coon Dog how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Old Coon Dog doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says; "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Old Coon Dog? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Old Coon Dog was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh, no; I hope you SHOT that lyin' hound!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!”

Dodge · 19-02-2005, 06:08 PM

Jim and Steve are in the locker room, getting dressed after a round of golf, when Jim notices that Steve is slipping into a pair of woman's bikini panties. "Uh, excuse me, Steve. How long have you been wearing female underwear?" Steve replies, "Ever since my wife found one under the front seat of my car!"

rob_o · 19-02-2005, 07:15 PM

Friday Funnies but u post them on Saturday.... thats funny (pardon the pun)

**Peuty** · 19-02-2005, 09:05 PM

LMAO @ rob_o.

Funny, funny jokes but Dodge.

Dodge · 04-03-2005, 11:05 PM

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER !

Hawk · 04-03-2005, 11:21 PM

Heard it before, but still a great joke. Thanks Dodge.

dogbreath_48 · 04-03-2005, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER !

a friday funny from last weeks tripleM she-bang friday fun one? good laugh none the less!

-Stu